Fear

 “... and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.”  Nelson Mandela.

What hinders us in our life, what holds us back from the enormity of the life that we have been given to live. On the weekend we (me and my dad) went into the heart of the Transkei. As we were driving I realised that I live in suspense, fearing the unknown but craving change, lost between the tension of being lost in change and not finding my way out again. This constant battle between seeing the road before me and living in the adventure of choosing the unknown, with this I have begun to notice in my self the fear of loosing those that I love, the fearing that day, that I will have to leave this world behind, leave behind the smells, sounds and the fragility of life.

These fears seem to create a form of burden upon me, a tight rope of tension that I use others expectations, mortality and fears to balance across. This constant need to be in control, to be aware of my next step. Scared of throwing the things I love in the air and seeing them fly in case they break when they fall, but so must seeds be scattered and broken open to take root. 

What a life of paradox, but yet there it is, my life.

God speaks of Freedom, its one of the things that I love about God and the way that he moves everything about him is freedom, his very presence oozes freedom, freedom to live, freedom to make decisions, freedom to love, freedom to dream.

The things I dream of, the things I love are bigger then this tightrope, I dream to be a dancer upon injustice, a bringer of hope to nations, (I’ve listed about 40 nations that I want to go to), I want to be a home maker for lost children, I want to go to the deepest darkest part of Africa, of Asia and love the unlovable, I want to see people walk free, walk in the fullness of who they are.

As mentioned before in my last post, I am planning a trip to the Congo and Uganda and what a battle it has been. It has been more then what I can cope, and I’m not even there yet (I have nine days till I go). Sometimes I think to myself it would be easier to have said no, to have let my life have been ordinary, to not carry these burdens and to be preoccupied with the superficial things in life.

The fear of the unknown, the fear of losing my life, to not be able to be apart of the world around me, has enslaved me to the expectations, to the known of the comfort and yet caused me to fear that I’m too comfortable to hear the voice of God, to fear that I have lost the presence of Holy Spirit.

As if the things that bound us, could ever bound the father heart of God. Freedom is his nature, glory is who he is, and love is his strength.

Oh how he wishes us to walk freely, to be completely occupied with the things of his nature, justice, hope, love, freedom. Not consumed with our next step, with the search of adventure, consumed with balancing our lives within him but allowing the reigns of freedom to be let lose and to have the presence of the Lord direct and blow upon the fears of our hearts and rest assured that even though we are surrounded by fears, that situations will come that we will have no control we are secured in the eternal love of Christ.

This tightrope of control I constantly find myself balancing across is held suspended over a valley of unknown stories. And somehow I wish to find myself in the ecstasy of falling in love with the fall of freedom, consumed in the known of the unknown. Allowing myself to know the freedom to know the presence of his faithfulness, the truth of his love and surrender to the want of the unknown of being fully alive in the chaos in the dangers of loving and living in the unknown.

Knowing that all can be lost but yet all is found.

And so I allow myself to embrace my fears and explode in the fall for...

“Then I said to you, do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” Moses.

Half the battle is won in the preparation.

The main purpose of my blog is to record all my travelling, ha, that makes it sound like I’m travelling all the time, in my dreams I am though. No seriously I’ve dreamt of Uganda, Germany, China, Japan and other random countries over the last week. It’s been very strange dreams, with paved roads, Jesus statues, oceans, ships. But in reality I’ve done the whole of the east and the west coast of south Africa, the west I’ve done twice and the east  a couple of times.

The west in three words, striking, deserted, cold, (if I was doing four words I would go with flat, you can see for miles on either side of you, its both amazing but slightly eerie as it feels as if its just you in the entire world hanging between heaven and earth waiting for something to happen, quite an experience when you peeing) The first time I went, I went with YWAM, two Cape Coloureds,  an American, a Korean and a Taiwanese and a new Zealander. Times of crumpets, lamb affel, rain, heat, singing, laughing, crying, shouting and skipping. It was good times.

The team:) the New Zealander and other Cape Coloured were taking the photo but the girl in the white hat is Hannah from Korea, in the blue, is Ashley from Cape Town and then the girl in purple was Katie the American and on the lowest step is Lesly from Taiwan and I'm reading the magazine.

The Affel that we ate, its lamb intestines and lamb brain. I just ate the sauce and had a nibbl of the brain, I've never been able to eat lamb again.

The second time that I went I went with my dad and sister, and that was more of a surf (even though we went in the wrong season, we were able to find waves, with no one else out) trip we spent two nights up there (forgotten the name of the place). It was beautiful with the most amazing lighting and views from our rooms, right on the beach. Yus it was amazing, one of the most ridicules times of my life. With spending a crap load of money on seafood and savannahs. The white sand beaches and the sand insects which followed us everywhere and the ice cold water all corresponded with the sun to make it feel as if time did not exist. Freedom seemed to echo from the distant horizon.  



The view from my room when I was on the West Coast with the ol man and my sister.

My east coast trips have been filled with mission trips, random surf day trips to the south coast, a couple of road trips to and from cape town with the ol’ man and sister (still learning to drive and driving a little Hyundai Atos and the other times an Alpha with four surfboards and a couple of bags). The last road trip, last year (2010) November we had no surf but instead were able spend time in Mossel Baai (one of my favourite places in SA) find vintage shops, spend time at a bar where my dad and my mom used to hang out and have braai with one of the locals and find out about a recycling, green company, we also made friends with a Scottish terrier. Fun times.

The rock pool at mossel bay near the lighthouse.

The phosporus in the water, it gives off a bluish light when its disturbed.

Other times were spent at kids beach (just outside of east London) in a house where there’s a hole in the wall, sleeping on the floor, Jefferies bay a few times, for wildcard, living in a airplane hanger, holidays, then St Francis for a few nights. Port Elizabeth with a friend for a week and Cape Town has been tapped a couple times.

I’ve also spent time in Mozambique twice, the one time when it was me and three boys, I ended up sleeping in the back of a landie (while one of the boys slept in my tent) as I was the only one who could fit in the back, wasn’t too uncomfortable but at least I didn’t get plagued by mosquitoes. We drove around on sand dunes, the weather was crap so just drove around the Ponto area and ate something pretty much every stop we had. The best crème burle are in Mozam with the most peri-peri chicken in the world, in the boys words- “it burns twice”. The other time I was up there for just over a month and a half in Maputo working with an organisation that focuses on girls in prostitution. Was amazing, lived off TUC biscuits, spinach and toast.

Me, people watching in the streets of Maputo (the capital of Mozam). That is a temple in the background that every morning would send out the call to pray at 5 am.

This is one of the pictures taken of the children that we worked with. I cant show their faces on the internet.

One of my last trips was to Thailand. Yus, one of the most ridicules times of my life with my sister. From staying in rural Thailand, Chaing Mai to Bangkok and on a couple of islands it was the most dynamic time I have had. We rode elephants, met Australians, Swedish, Americans and dodgy Arabic men and spent time with locals in cafes, snorkelled, kayaked, ate green curry and fried sticky rice in sugar and bamboo leaves. I fell even more in love with Asia (I’m convinced I’m going to marry an Asian and have Asian babies).  The most distinct things about Thailand were the smells, the people and the food. Everything was so gentle and humble except the food and smells. The food was violently hot and the smells were strong. But I’m in love and would love to go back and live there.

Some University girls that we met in a cafe just off the Chaing Mai campus, they took us on a tour around the university. One of the most beautiful universities I've been too, theres flowers, brushes in the shapes of elephants and a huge lake.

Some of the local food that we ate, soem was yummy, others were just interesting.

Crazy Arab men that we met. So dodgy.

Right now I’m starting to prepare for Uganda and Congo, which is the main reason for my blog, so that I can document what happens and that people can be aware of what’s going on in other areas of the world. I’ve heard (and learnt thanks to unprepared exams and getting stuck in Thailand with nowhere to sleep) that half the battle is won through the preparation. So it’s time to prepare for Uganda and Congo (I’ve got 18 days left, that’s just over two weeks, WOAH time has gone fast).

To be honest I’m a little nervous but I’m also pretty excited, there’s a lot to prepare, I’m still waiting for my letter of invitation so I can apply for a visa for the Congo and I need to get together all the teachings that I’m going to do but other then that I’m ready to go (all my vaccinations have been sorted out, all 8 injections and oral vaccines DONE). I can now pretty much go into any country in the world.

So as I’m waiting in going to prepare my teachings, I’m focusing on living in the power of God and on the bible characters Samuel and Moses. Will let you know how it goes, once I do.

The unknown.

Ahh, yesterday it rained and with it came a new season. A season to love, to let go, to allow the fear that has seemed to consume me to be washed away, to be transformed into freedom.

I don’t even know where the fear came from but it’s grown so tall and strong, like a vine creeping, crawling covering my window blocking the sun and only allowing the shadows to fall upon my open hands.  Its broke my focus and caused me to see the immediate to see the things of the world and fear the things of God. A fear that caused me to desire to be accepted, to be known as someone else or something else, a fear that caused me to want to succeed. I lay broken, discarding my own self and looking to my new created self to tell me who I was.

Numbness evaded the deep crevices of my heart, as I transformed.

I’ve heard that it’s the rain that makes the grass green, that there is a property within the rain that causes the grass to become green. Yes we can water grass and flowers and it will turn green but it won’t be a green that makes the grass seem alive, that makes you want to rest and be alive in the peace that comes with the purity of life.

As rain clouds gather and the earth begins to show signs of the needs for rain, so had my heart begun to show the strains of the drought, as I had stopped up the wells of my heart and rebuilt walls that the Lord had broken down to get to me. As slowly the clouds had gathered and slowly the atmosphere had begun to be heavy with desire, rain came to save my soul.

It cascaded on my thirsty spirit.

Bringing the purity of new life.

A new season, rain season. The strength of that first rain broke down the vines that had enforced the walls that isolated my soul. Flooding, it lead me to the twirling river of the love of the Father and drowned me in the grace of God’s arms as He lifted me higher and placed my feet upon the rock that does not move, that heals and restores.

I became alive in the rain.

A love that first loved, fell upon my lips and satisfied my heart, grace kissed my dreams and desires and renewed I stood rooted to the rock of salvation and so the rain season began.

The uncharted territory.

Where the future is as fleeting as the mist upon distant mountains, and only the present moment sure of. My life seems to hang in this uncharted present, defined by my unknowns and uncertainties, the dreams and desires of His heart. Balancing, addicted to the adventure of living in moments that I feel the presence of the hand of God and looking for the things that satisfy me, I’m stuck between the fleeting and the fading. Still deciding my own fate and the future, I tend to follow the storm and the fire.

I hope that you  will join me with my God, our God, on this adventure as seasons change and lead me to new places, people and upon the road less travelled...