Fear

 “... and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.”  Nelson Mandela.

What hinders us in our life, what holds us back from the enormity of the life that we have been given to live. On the weekend we (me and my dad) went into the heart of the Transkei. As we were driving I realised that I live in suspense, fearing the unknown but craving change, lost between the tension of being lost in change and not finding my way out again. This constant battle between seeing the road before me and living in the adventure of choosing the unknown, with this I have begun to notice in my self the fear of loosing those that I love, the fearing that day, that I will have to leave this world behind, leave behind the smells, sounds and the fragility of life.

These fears seem to create a form of burden upon me, a tight rope of tension that I use others expectations, mortality and fears to balance across. This constant need to be in control, to be aware of my next step. Scared of throwing the things I love in the air and seeing them fly in case they break when they fall, but so must seeds be scattered and broken open to take root. 

What a life of paradox, but yet there it is, my life.

God speaks of Freedom, its one of the things that I love about God and the way that he moves everything about him is freedom, his very presence oozes freedom, freedom to live, freedom to make decisions, freedom to love, freedom to dream.

The things I dream of, the things I love are bigger then this tightrope, I dream to be a dancer upon injustice, a bringer of hope to nations, (I’ve listed about 40 nations that I want to go to), I want to be a home maker for lost children, I want to go to the deepest darkest part of Africa, of Asia and love the unlovable, I want to see people walk free, walk in the fullness of who they are.

As mentioned before in my last post, I am planning a trip to the Congo and Uganda and what a battle it has been. It has been more then what I can cope, and I’m not even there yet (I have nine days till I go). Sometimes I think to myself it would be easier to have said no, to have let my life have been ordinary, to not carry these burdens and to be preoccupied with the superficial things in life.

The fear of the unknown, the fear of losing my life, to not be able to be apart of the world around me, has enslaved me to the expectations, to the known of the comfort and yet caused me to fear that I’m too comfortable to hear the voice of God, to fear that I have lost the presence of Holy Spirit.

As if the things that bound us, could ever bound the father heart of God. Freedom is his nature, glory is who he is, and love is his strength.

Oh how he wishes us to walk freely, to be completely occupied with the things of his nature, justice, hope, love, freedom. Not consumed with our next step, with the search of adventure, consumed with balancing our lives within him but allowing the reigns of freedom to be let lose and to have the presence of the Lord direct and blow upon the fears of our hearts and rest assured that even though we are surrounded by fears, that situations will come that we will have no control we are secured in the eternal love of Christ.

This tightrope of control I constantly find myself balancing across is held suspended over a valley of unknown stories. And somehow I wish to find myself in the ecstasy of falling in love with the fall of freedom, consumed in the known of the unknown. Allowing myself to know the freedom to know the presence of his faithfulness, the truth of his love and surrender to the want of the unknown of being fully alive in the chaos in the dangers of loving and living in the unknown.

Knowing that all can be lost but yet all is found.

And so I allow myself to embrace my fears and explode in the fall for...

“Then I said to you, do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” Moses.